When the same toxic situation happens repeatedly, one must wonder, am I the toxic one.
My biggest roadblock is fear. I am my own worst enemy. I fear myself as silly as that may sound. One of the five primary emotions is fear. People tend to fear what they do not understand. Regrettably, I do not understand myself. Why do I do the things I do? It took me years to realize I was my own demise. I had an opportunity to be a showroom manager for an accessories company a few years ago. I was a temp at the company, but I was a quick learner and was excellent at displaying the product for the owner I was assisting. I was only there a few weeks when she inquired about me, possibly having a more significant role in the company, perhaps Showroom Manager. Extremely excited, I gladly agreed that I was the person perfect for the position. My test was to display a revamped collection of her accessories line to prospective buyers. I've assisted the owner on numerous occasions, so it wasn't like this was something new to me. Unfortunately, I bombed so bad. I could not speak a full sentence without stuttering, and my gum fell out of my mouth while I was speaking. The owner pulled a "you can go ahead and clock out for me" right there on the spot. I was so embarrassed.
I blocked my own blessing by not being confident enough in my abilities. I was fearful, and I was nervous. That behavior was extremely toxic to me. Fear forces you to overthink. It can force you to become your own worst enemy. Fear can create self-doubt, anxiety, low self-worth, seclusion, paranoia, health issues, and social disparities. Why am I so fearful. I'm talented with so much to offer. Can I be afraid of doing better?
The fact that this wasn't the only time I've done this was troubling. Could I have been holding myself back without knowing? Yes, I definitely was holding myself back. It took me a long time to figure it out. I felt like no one would understand because I didn't understand. I kept it to myself. I blamed my failures on everything else. There is such a thing as fear of being successful. Seemingly, this is very real. I've read numerous testimonies on individuals being afraid to elevate. Too nervous about being themselves and taking charge. As humans, we avoid the emotions that alarm us. I am currently trying out different ways to support my journey to overcome this fear that's been holding me back. Knocking down every barrier and creating a safe and productive path into the future.